The Power of Need
One of the biggest barriers we all face in having deep friendships is expressing our own need. We live lives beside each other, but we’re not really entrenched in each other’s lives. During Biblical times, people lived together, cooked together, took care of their kids together, and many cultures still live that way today. Today, we can order our groceries on Amazon. We don’t need each other like we used to. Paul is speaking to the Philippians and commending them for the way they’ve loved him and each other.
“Yet it was kind of you to share my trouble. And you Philippians yourselves know that in the beginning of the gospel, when I left Macedonia, no church entered into partnership with me in giving and receiving, except you only. Even in Thessalonica you sent me help for my needs once and again.”Philippians 4:14-16
We want to be able to rescue ourselves, but we can’t. We have to have other people to help us. Showing up for people and revealing what you need is so scary. It’s incredibly vulnerable. God says the best way for us to get free is to do life with each other. He built us as a body, Christ being the head, each of us taking different parts. He speaks to a people group throughout scripture through the Israelites and then the church. God himself is in community with the Trinity. This idea of individualism is very American and not biblical.
WHY IS THIS SO HARD?
This is actually really personal for me. The morning I recorded this podcast a good friend who has known me for a very long time called me. This is what she said: “you’re not the kind of person that just makes your needs known and clear all the time.”
I agreed with her. It’s hard to need people and it takes awareness of what it is you need. I feel accountable to what I’m calling all of you to, so I stopped and did my best to be real with her and let her in. I noticed myself apologizing the entire time I was talking. I was invalidating my own feelings and struggles because I didn’t think my problems were worth talking about. Even in the exercise of trying to be honest and candid, I found myself making disclaimers the whole time. Honestly, it was so uncomfortable. But my friend assured me whatever I was going through mattered to her too.
It’s not that I don’t have need, but I don’t want to think about it. I have to know my need before I can share it. That’s where time with the Lord is crucial, because he shows us where we’re sinning and convicts us. It’s easier for us to ignore this, build guards, and be there for other people instead. We hate admitting weakness.
A CALL TO DEEP, VULNERABLE COMMUNITY
This call to community is much deeper than a supper club or shallow community. To be fully known and living without a facade is what we desire, but we accidentally put on a veneer as we go throughout life. This community is costly. It’s terrifying to be known in this way. We can’t always promise your friends will be good listeners and healthy people and not codependent. We all mess up community, but we have to continue to lean in whenever it gets hard. We can not run away.
ASK SOME QUESTIONS!
One of the best ways I know to get people deep is to ask really good questions. Even if they’re a little surface level, it gets people talking about their family, their experiences, and what makes them the way they are. Here are five questions you could ask your friends next time at dinner:
Tell people at the table what you like about them, and then that person has to tell everyone where that came from in them.
What are you hoping for right now and what are you afraid of right now?
Go back to your 10-year-old self and ask for something in that way that you could ask now.
How do you see God moving in your life right now?
How are you seeing God be for you right now?
Who is someone you’re related to that you’re similar to?
The more we can peel back what makes people who they are and what makes them love what they love and what makes them afraid of what they’re afraid of, you realize you’re not that different. We all need people, whether we admit it or not.
