Ashamed
This season we’re talking about the hard emotions a lot of us are facing in this very chaotic time. We’re going to take the next 10 weeks and talk about shame, deep sadness, irritation, bitterness, isolation. All of these things are hard. We want to take all of these things and see what God has to say about them, and talk to some of the leading experts on these discussions to give us some practical handles. Not just to survive this season of COVID, the election, and all the difficulties we’re facing right now with racism and division, but to thrive during it. We want to see God’s kingdom move forward through us. That’s my dream for this. We are so excited you’re here!
“We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever.” - Hebrews 6:19-20
Today we’re talking about shame, and I’m excited about this one, and here’s why. I think this one lays under almost every negative emotion that we feel. Most of you would probably say to yourself, “I don’t feel that much shame. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Zac and I were talking about this yesterday, because I’m writing about this with relationships, and the relational issues we face in our day largely are impacted by this word: shame. I see it as such an enemy to our relationship with God and others. I see it in women’s eyes all the time when I’m ministering out in the world and traveling and speaking. Women come up to me and I see it almost the second they walk up. They don’t make eye contact and I know there is something they want to share with me that is so heavy and that they’re so ashamed about. This is such an enemy. Sin is the greatest enemy of mankind, but God built a way for us to reconcile our sin. Shame is even a worse enemy, because shame keeps us from reconciling our sin to God. Yes, sin is the greatest problem, but God made a way for that sin to be reconciled. But because of shame, we don’t accept that reconciliation. It is the greatest barrier we have to our relationship with God and each other.
Let’s talk about it. What is shame? How do we diagnose it so we know that’s the problem and not some other emotion that we’re placing on top of it, or that we feel because of the shame? I’m going to pull this up from my Biblical dictionary here: “shame is a consequence of sin. Feelings of guilt and shame are subjective acknowledgments of an objective spiritual reality.” It is a feeling about something that is real. That’s what he’s saying: there is a feeling of shame about a reality that is sin. Though related to guilt, shame emphasizes sin’s effect on our self-identity. Shame is something so deep. It’s something that is rooted in your identity, something that is hard to shake, something that is not just a feeling but somehow bound and wound its way into who we are and how we relate to our world and our people and our God. You see that shame in Genesis 1. The second they fall they run and hide! Never before had it occurred to them that they don’t belong with God. There is a separation between the holiness and goodness and rightness of God and the wrongness and the sin that now is in them - they feel it! It’s not something that had to be taught to them. They felt it the minute they sinned. They felt shame in their bones, so they hid and ran from God. Sin is the behavior and what they did, but shame is the first enemy that’s separating them from God. What does God do? God knows they sinned, but he still goes after them. He calls for them. He says, “where are you?” He wants to restore relationship. He wants to deal with it and help them with it. It’s so beautiful what he does. They cover themselves with fig leaves. He goes and kills an animal, which is the first picture of what the gospel will be, and he covers them with fur and gives them a better covering. Man tries to cover it with religion and good works and righteousness and little fig leaves and it doesn’t work. God covers it with the blood of an animal, and does it a better way that will ultimately heal them. The blood of animals wasn’t enough, but the blood of animals was a foreshadowing of Jesus Christ and the blood that would ultimately forgive our sin and wash it away. Some of you are hearing this for the first time and thinking, “wow this is a little gory for a podcast on shame.” Yeah this is really gory. Here’s why. Shame is violently affecting you. Robbing you of joy. Robbing you of peace. Robbing you of a relationship with God. It is such an enemy. It is literally affecting everything about you. You have to understand where it comes from and you can’t understand where it comes from unless you understand sin. Unless you understand the fall. Unless you understand God’s better way. The reality, the spiritual objective reality, is that we are sinners and so of course we feel shame. Every single one. For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). It’s the objective reality. The other objective reality is that Jesus Christ paid the payment for sins so that we could be reconciled. Not even just so that we could be reconciled, but so we could wear the righteousness of Christ. That sin would be covered by something competent and complete. That sin would be covered by the blood of Jesus, the perfect sacrifice that would pay for the sins of the world. That is the gospel.
“We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever.” - Hebrews 6:19-20
The curtain he’s talking about here is the curtain that separated God from people. The priest would go in to offer the sacrifices in the holy of holies, where God dwelled, this is Old Testament, he would go in, he would sacrifice the blood, and he may or may not come out. They tied a rope to his foot because in the presence of God, sinners die. Because of his justice. We want a God that’s just. That curtain tore. He reaches down from Heaven, takes the curtain that has separated the holy of holies from all the people, and he tears it, because no longer are his people separated from him. They can be in relationship because the righteousness of Christ has been placed on them, for those who believe in Jesus Christ.
I know this is getting deep theologically but hang on. I try to make this as simple as I can, but you have to understand this theological reality because you can’t fight what you don’t understand. The new objective reality for those of you that believe in Jesus Christ and have trusted in him as your Lord and Savior, that have put your hope in him, is “there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). That is your new reality. You don’t have to feel shame. You can actually deal with it. It doesn’t have to haunt you for the rest of your life. It doesn’t have to define your decisions, your relationships, or your encounters with God. I used to read my college journals, and whenever I pick them up it’s a reality check that I was living under a lot of shame in college. Every single entry starts with, “I’m just so sorry I haven’t met with you in awhile.” I entered my relationship, my prayer life, with shame. I felt guilty and bad from the moment I sat down. Now that I have kids, I look back at that, and think about what an idiot I was! Kate just left for college, and whenever a few days go by and we don’t talk and she calls me, she might say, “hey I’m sorry I haven’t called in awhile.” But I really don’t care! I just want her to dive in and tell me what’s going on, because I’ve just missed her. I’m not mad at her because she hasn’t called. I’m just curious what’s going on in her life and can’t wait until she gets to talking and telling me everything that’s happening. That’s how God is with us! There’s not some shame barrier anymore between us and God. There is a relationship where he loves us and he wants us back.
So what are some of the signs that we are living in shame? Some of the signs I see in myself is when I am super sensitive about things. When someone seems like they’re mad at me or something’s wrong or they bring an offense and I just crumble. When I’m healthy, someone can bring something to me and I’m like, “you know what? I screwed up. I am so sorry. Will you forgive me?” I’m standing from a place of health not from a place of complete insecurity feeling so beat up and bad about myself. When someone brings me wrong, which I inevitably will do, but I’m not defined by that wrong, I can apologize for it and seek to reconcile it. It doesn’t ruin my week, my day, my month. I mess up and I’m not surprised I messed up. I want to make that right. I don’t want you to be affected by my mess up, so how do I make it right? There’s still a desire to seek reconciliation, it’s not passive, but it doesn’t completely crumble me if somebody is disappointed or unhappy with me.
Another way I see shame in my own life is if I am not praying or communicating with God. I’m probably feeling guilty about something. There’s a general sense of feeling like a fraud, not wanting to go to God because I feel “bleh.” I think another sign of shame is I am fearful - I am not at peace with God or myself. When fear and anxiety is ruling the day, I look underneath that and usually can find some sense of not trusting myself, not feeling good about myself, or I don’t feel good about God’s ability to take care of me. If I don’t believe in God’s ability to take care of the future, how am I believing God’s ability for this new reality that is to cover my sins? It’s a general distrust in God, therefore, I pick up my shame because I’m on my own and I’m incapable or incompetent.
Another way I see shame is pride. When I’m acting super confident about everything and like I have it all together, or when I’m not in touch with my feelings, that is likely a result of shame as well. I’m coping and covering up what deep down in my bones is fear of myself and doubt about my worth and identity.
Those are a few ways I personally see it in my life. All of us are different, but I think those are somewhat human responses to shame. It’s fear, it’s pride, it’s insecurity, and I think all of those go back to shame. You’ll have to do that work and figure out what you’re ashamed of. What are you not believing about God? That’s ultimately the question. Maybe you believe it about God for other people, but you’re not believing it about God for yourself. So how can you believe God in a bigger way.
This is a quote from Desiring God:
“Because sin is alive in our bodies (Romans 7:23), and because we are beset with
weakness (Hebrews 5:2), the kind of shame we often experience is a potent combination of failure and pride. We fail morally, we fail due to our limitations or weaknesses, and we fail because the creation is subject to futility and doesn’t work right. We also fail to live up to other people’s expectations for us. Because we are full of sinful pride, we are ashamed of our fears and weaknesses, and will go to almost any length to hide them from others. This means pride fueled shame can wield great power over us. It controls significant parts of our lives and consumes precious energy and time in avoiding exposure.”
Let me tell you the greatest way to fight shame: 1. Live aware of your weakness and sin. 2. Live aware of the endless grace of our God that covers it all. When you are fully in touch with how weak you are and how much of a sinner you are, and also and equally fully in touch with the power of God to make sinners right, and the grace of God to cover those sins, that is a free person. That is a person no longer bound by shame. That is a person that can dangerously go live out the calling and the mission of God in her life. Those are my favorite people to be with too. I can say anything, because they know there is no condemnation because they’re in touch with their own sins, and they also are going to give back to me the love of God. May we be those people and may we disciple and make those people on earth. That is how the world changes: people truly free of shame. They are foreign, they’re amazing, they look and live totally different, and they’re contagious.
