What to Do with the Messy Parts of Your Story
With Toni Collier
Toni Collier is one of the most incredible people you’ll ever meet.
She radiates love, light, and joy. There’s a spark in her that you would never miss. There's not a better cheerleader in life than Toni, and there’s nobody fiercer. It’s often hard to believe that the woman in front of me has survived so much.
Toni has survived childhood abuse, domestic abuse, and addiction to become the wonderful woman I’m proud to call one of my soul sisters. She writes about her experiences and healing in her new book ‘Brave Enough to be Broken: How to Embrace Your Pain and Discover Hope and Healing.’
We spoke about the painful life experiences that inspired this literary masterpiece, and this is the edited interview:
Talk a bit about what your book is about.
Toni: My story started when I was a little girl, and the trauma caught up with me when I was 24 years old. I numbed my pain for so long. Then, I decided to stare my pain in the face and take it on.
I felt the most vulnerable, shame-filled, and inadequate at that moment. It was in that valley that God showed me His best work, and that's where all this came from.
I was reminded that broken crayons still color. God can still make beautiful things from broken things. In fact, He does His best work in the broken places. That's what the book is about. It's about pulling up our bootstraps, looking pain in the face, and taking it on.
My mom had a massive stroke when I was a little girl. Taking care of a sick parent when I was only 8 and 9 years old left me vulnerable to sexual abuse and manipulation by family members. I lost my virginity to an older man when I was 13 and started trying to numb with drugs and alcohol.
I ended up leaving my parents’ house at 16. I eventually put myself through college, which was filled with alcohol, drugs, and an eating disorder. I got married at 19 instead of going to law school, and abuse leaped into that marriage. Then, I had a little girl in that marriage and decided to get saved.
I wanted to change my life, but I landed in a spiritually abusive and manipulative church environment. When 24 rolled around, I realized that I needed help. I owed it to my daughter, even if I didn't have the security or confidence in myself. And so, I started a healing journey. I got remarried to a very sweet husband.
I restarted my life, and I'm still on the healing journey.
There's this incredible light and spark in you. Where does that come from? And are there things from your past that you still grapple with?
Toni: There's still a lot of anxiety in my story. There's a lot of shame that I have to fight daily, especially being a person with some sort of influence in the kingdom. There's also hope, and that made me write the book.
I have this childlike naive faith that things can get better. I've seen miracles. I've seen a mom who was on her deathbed have so much life in her today. I've seen a marriage crumble, ending with hatred and anger. I’ve seen that transition to a somewhat rocky but healthy co-parenting situation.
I've seen and tasted redemption.
And so, the light and spark come from knowing that it can get better for me and anyone else. I know I could probably jump off a building, and God would catch me. I’m okay because I know He's got me.
You never pass an opportunity to help another person. It almost feels like you're rescuing a part of yourself. Talk about that passion and where that comes from.
Toni: I still remember 8-year-old and 13-year-old Toni. I remember a 24-year-old divorced, broke, on food stamps, and drinking coffee for breakfast and lunch Toni. I can see her, and I can feel her. That's what God calls us to – remembrance.
Every second that I remember those hard valleys, I know that there's a woman there now. And I can't just leave her there. I think about where I would be if I didn’t see other women live fully in Christ or if I didn’t experience counseling because I didn't have enough money to do it. What if I were still in the valley? Those thoughts pain me.
It keeps me up at night to think that there are women in valleys and they have no way out.
Some of the most hopeless moments of my life were when I didn't think it could get better because there was no one. Those are the moments when I questioned my life.
If I can be a guide or cheerleader in the valley of another woman's life, I don't know what else there is to live for. I live for my family and the women who deserve to hear someone say, “Me too.”
Has it healed you further to help other women?
Toni: About a decade ago, they added a sixth step of the grieving process – living a life of meaning. This step ejects you from the grief cycle when you're in a healthy place and gives you meaning and purpose. That comes from using the pain you've been through to show someone else how to make theirs a bit easier.
For people who wonder if they’ll come out of that dark season, the real question is, how can God use this? How can I help others when I've reached a healthy place?
When we get to stable hope-filled places, we have the opportunity to live a life of meaning and purpose. And that doesn't mean exhausting yourself or wearing your pain as a badge of honor. It means showing others what God has done for you so they know He can do the same for them.
Was there ever a time when you disqualified yourself since walking with Jesus?
Toni: Not only did I disqualify myself, but I ejected myself from Christianity. I felt like it was all over. I told myself I’d never work for a church again because I was divorced, a little ratchet, and drinking. This was after I had been an ordained youth pastor speaking in schools.
I thought my ministry days were over.
I got invited to a brainstorming meeting at North Point Ministries. I refused the invitation and told the person I was done with the church. I believed that God, the church, and the pastors were all done with me. But God led me to that meeting.
I ended up connected to North Point. I still pray every day that the Lord doesn't let me mess this up. We've all been there in some ways. And the key is for us to not get ahead of the redemptive work of God by self-sabotaging and discounting ourselves.
What's that point where it feels like you can share your pain with people outside of your closest people?
Toni: You need the voices of your closest people for confirmation and affirmation that you're ready. There were moments when I couldn't share some things because I was still very bitter, hurt, angry, and broken in those areas. If I had talked about it, it would have been ugly.
There are moments when I realize that I can’t share something publicly. There are still parts of my story that only my closest people know because I've got accountability with my counselor, God, my closest people, and myself.
I know that all I have to do now is submit my entire story to the Lord and flow within His timing. He's put trusted counsel and community in my life to help me make those decisions.
We often don't want to ask for the opinions of the closest people to us. We never want to ask if we’re going too fast. We should practice asking questions so we know when we are a little crazy, when it's not time yet, and what it's like being on the other side of us. Those practices are healthy and needed.
The book has been out for a little while now. What have you heard from people?
Toni: It's been awesome. When you write a book, you want people to shower you with compliments. But the most meaningful thing I've heard is:
“This changed my life.”
or
“I feel brave enough to heal now.
I'm going to my first counseling session next week.”
These have become the most important responses to me. It's been beautiful because it has been nothing about what I did or how much energy it took to live this story. It's been about others feeling empowered to heal.
When the publisher asked what my goal was for the book, I told them I would love to see more holy, healing people in the world.
That's what I want more than anything, and that's what it's been. People come up to me so proud of themselves for doing the hard thing, and that’s awesome.
Some people have stuffed their traumatic experiences and act like they're happy. Others have stuffed them so deep that they think they really are happy. Some walk around knowing they're broken. Could you cast a vision for a better way than those two?
Toni: I'm a “go big or go home” kind of girl. And I've had to change that about myself when it comes to healing and pressing into pain. I've had to find this complex, messy middle, and I hate it.
But it is when we start to believe that hurt and hope can coexist that God will give us the strength to move the mountain, move it for us, or give us the strength to climb it.
To begin your healing journey, press into the pain and figure out if there's a better way. We must get better at sitting in the complex middle. Sometimes that means not knowing what it looks like or going into a counselor's office and not liking your counselor.
The complex middle won’t be a step-by-step process. There'll be detours, valleys, and pain, but there can also be hope. And that's what I wish for people, that they would sit in the complex middle. That's been the best times of my life.
You teach others how to struggle in a way that enables holy healing and pleases God. It’s not an easy road, but it does bring healing.
Toni: The one thing I needed to hear about my dreams since I was a little girl is that God is kind.
God's not standing at the end of the tunnel waiting for you to clean your mess. He leads the way through the tunnel. He's so kind and He's always with you. He's the God of witness and closeness, and He's not leaving the room.
When it feels like the pain will crush you, I pray you’ll remember that there's a kind God watching you, saying: “Watch Me work. Watch what I can do through all of this brokenness.” Allow Him to redeem you.
We are big fans of Toni Collier at the Made for This podcast. You can listen to Jennie’s full conversation with Toni right here. Her new book, ‘Brave Enough to be Broken: How to Embrace Your Pain and Discover Hope in Healing,’ is available here and everywhere books are sold.
MADE FOR THIS PODCAST
If you liked this content, you’ll love this season of the Made For This Podcast where we’ve been going through Jennie’s book Restless. Available anywhere books are sold!
