Setting Clear Boundaries with Lysa TerKeurst
One of the relational struggles most people face is that they’ve been badly hurt. So, they don’t want to trust again. Unless you figure this out, you cannot move into new, healthier relationships. Our friend, Lysa TerKeurst, addresses this exact issue in her latest book ‘Good Boundaries and Goodbyes.’
Lysa’s book is like a handbook for difficult relationships in your life. It's an answer to some of our questions about when we should move on from a friendship, and it’s so practical and immensely helpful. Lysa had a chat with Jennie about setting clear boundaries.
Talk a bit about where this came from, and why it matters so much.
Lysa: Community. God intends for us to love Him and love other people. Love should draw us together, not tear us apart. So, I understand people's resistance to trying new relationships or working on older ones because it can feel impossible.
Some of us hit that space where we think we can't take it anymore.
We start wondering if there are any good people left in this world, or if there’s anyone we can trust. We get so fractured and frazzled inside our relationships because we haven't implemented boundaries. Show me relational chaos, and I'll show you a lack of boundaries.
Boundaries should be the most effective communication tool to fight for the relationship.
You don't have to fight against one another. Better boundaries lead to better relationships, and I've seen that in my own life. This book was born out of heartbreak and devastation. I faced struggles in my relationships, including my marriage, which ultimately died.
I realized that I was mostly struggling because I didn't understand healthy boundaries or implement them. Counseling made a huge difference in my life, and I couldn't keep this to myself.
Talk about how therapy played such a crucial role in your life as a Bible teacher.
Lysa: Most healthy therapeutic principles come from the Bible. However, somebody has to be trained to make the connection between our emotional health and those biblical therapeutic principles. I am trained to teach people the Bible. However, I am not trained in a lot of the emotional, relational, and psychological nuances that can affect us. Psychology and our understanding of the bible work hand in hand. So, I needed someone who knew the Bible and psychology so that I could tend well to my spiritual and emotional health.
Have you ever set a boundary that felt impossible or brave? What did it feel like?
Lysa: Boundaries feel risky because they're usually in situations where there's some emotional charge.
Typically, we don't think about boundaries until we hit a desperate place.
I didn’t have biblical confidence as a Christian woman that boundaries were in keeping with scripture. But the very first recorded conversation between God and man is the topic of boundaries. God gave a boundary to Adam regarding the tree of the knowledge of Good and Evil. This boundary wasn't just for restriction; it was for protection.
As I continued in the Bible, I saw that God gave access to certain people, and He required different levels of access to bring higher levels of responsibility. This wasn't because certain people were more valuable than others. It was because there needs to be a responsibility that comes with the access that people are granted. This made me realize that I was giving way too much access without requiring the appropriate amount of responsibility to grant that access. If the level of access and responsibility are disproportionate, then only chaos can ensue.
Setting a boundary still feels like a mountain that's too high to climb, and you've made it accessible. Talk a little bit about that.
Lysa: I did not write this book from my point of strength. It was also hard for me, partly because I was doing boundaries incorrectly.
I would grant complete access to my capacity, only for the other person to bring minimum responsibility.
Then, I would try to force them to bring the appropriate responsibility using external pressure. I’d try to change them so equilibrium could be obtained in that relationship.
Trying to change another person using external pressure may create temporary behavior modification, but it will not create lasting change. Such relationships are not sustainable.
I realized that I couldn’t put a boundary on another person by forcing them to change. I had to put a boundary on myself. If the other person was only willing or capable of less responsibility, then I’d reduce the access to my capacity so that equilibrium can occur in that relationship.
You have boundaries, not because you're selfish or unchristian, but because you're wise and responsible. Setting boundaries isn't about living guarded. It's about living with clarity. It is about communicating what is acceptable or unacceptable and what you can or can’t give in a relationship.
Some people may think that they could never say that to their spouses or parents. Could you give us a script of what that conversation would look like?
Lysa: Relationships with loved ones like parents and spouses can evoke “Yeah, but…” reasoning when we need to set boundaries. If you find yourself saying, “Yeah, but this is my mom” or “Yeah, but this is my husband,” I want you to temporarily remove their title.
Look at the dynamics of you and that other person and some of the chaos in that relationship. Imagine if this was an average person. What boundary would be appropriate?
Now, keep that boundary in mind as you put the person’s title back on. Then, meet in the middle. So, you shirk the reality of the important title they have, but you don't throw out boundaries. You consider the boundaries you would implement if this was an everyday person and simultaneously respect the position they have in your life.
My therapist has taught me that we have to prepare for times of struggle in times of strength.
Say you're hosting a family Thanksgiving. You'll likely be physically and emotionally spent, so you won’t have the emotional capacity to deal with drama. You've invited “Uncle Fred,” who loves bringing up politically divisive issues. So, you decide ahead of time that you will not participate in these conversations. Now you have to communicate that to Fred.
So, you can call Uncle Fred: “Uncle Fred, I'm so excited you're coming to Thanksgiving. It always is such a joy to have you there. That said, I need to make a request of you to please not bring up politically divisive conversations around the Thanksgiving table. Now, it's your choice whether or not you do this. But I'm informing you – if you do that, I'm going to turn to the other end of the table and participate in a different conversation. Or I will excuse myself from the table until that conversation is done. I don't have the emotional capacity to handle those kinds of conversations. And I want to keep the best of who I am at that Thanksgiving table. So, I wanted to lovingly communicate this to you. And I thank you for your consideration.”
Now, whether you give Uncle Fred the reason is completely up to you. Remember that you're not asking for his permission to do this. You are informing him that you have drawn a boundary around yourself and will not participate in these conversations. We often feel like we have to participate in things that we already know aren't going to go well, but we don't have to attend every drama we're invited to.
I think we can sometimes erect walls instead of boundaries. Can you talk about not putting up walls to avoid a relationship that could be healthy?
Lysa: Absolutely. We should never use boundaries as weapons against other people. They should never be used as tools of punishment, control, or manipulation. Boundaries should help us start healthy conversations. Taken to an extreme, they become weapons that will not serve a good purpose.
Boundaries are not meant to shove other people away.
They're meant to help hold ourselves together so that we're not trying to control other people. We are biblically holding ourselves accountable to remaining self-controlled.
There are times when a relationship is no longer healthy and cannot be salvaged, even with boundaries. Talk a little bit about that.
Lysa: With goodbyes, I always encourage people to take steps, not leaps. We don't want to leap to the extreme of a goodbye. At the same time, we have to acknowledge reality. If someone is consistently bringing zero responsibility and keeps repeating a pattern of behavior that has shifted the relationship from difficult to destructive, then we need to consider zero access. And we don't need to do it alone.
We need wise people around us. You also need to make peace with the fact that you're not walking away from that destructive relationship. You're accepting reality, and mental health is a commitment to reality at all costs. A separation may need to happen for both of your sakes.
Sometimes separations are for a season, and other times they're forever.
But the Holy Spirit can help us navigate that.
What do you see as the main reason it's difficult to do this?
Lysa: Our emotions are tied to every bit of our relationships. I can't stand the feeling of disappointing people. I would rather sacrifice myself to try and keep other people happy than have these hard conversations at times. I've lost relationships because I refused to have hard conversations.
I struggle with people pleasing. And I realized that I wasn't just trying to keep other people happy. Rather, I was trying to keep them happy because I was afraid of their rejection, and that was unhealthy.
I remember writing in my journal: “I will always desperately try to get from other people what I fear God will not provide for me.” I think we struggle with this fear that drawing healthy boundaries will change the dynamics of the relationship.
That's a choice you have to make, and you have to count the cost on both sides.
If drawing a healthy boundary makes you fear that another person may reject you, that person will probably reject you either way.
Could you speak to that person who has to have that hard conversation? Tell them why it's worth it.
Lysa: It's worth it because your mental health and your relational health are at stake. We need to learn to love others well without losing the best of who we are.
Don’t make your first boundary conversation the hardest relationship dynamic.
Pick something a little simpler. Start by drawing a boundary when someone asks you to do something you can’t do. This is how you reply:
“Dear Sally, thank you so much for thinking of me and having confidence that I would do a good job planning the office party. I'm very honored by that. While my heart says ‘yes, yes, yes,’ the reality of my time says ‘no’. I cannot host the party. Here's what I can give. I can make cupcakes, donate some money, or come an hour before the party to help set up. Thank you so much for understanding, Lisa.”
You don't have to explain the reasons you're limited in your time capacity. If they have questions, you can have a healthy dialogue. But you do not need their permission to say no. Your purpose is to lovingly inform them.
