How to Make a Plan for College

With Conner Allen

Parenting is one of the most rewarding jobs in the world. And yet, it’s equally challenging, mostly because a lot of our parenting decisions are only validated when our kids are grown. And so, we spend their formative years constantly doubting ourselves and questioning every decision we make. Never has this been more evident than with my son, Connor.

My now 23-year-old, Connor Allen, graduated from Texas A&M a few months ago. He runs outdoor camps for kids all over Texas. Connor started Fly fishing camps when he was 14, and he now has more across six cities in Texas.

You would never believe the stories from his formative years if you met the kind, considerate, and overall amazing man he has become. He takes initiative in every way and has created incredible things with his life. He is constantly seeking mentorship, leadership, and discipleship in his life. But this is far from the kiddo he was in middle school.

And so, we had a chat about his several transitions through life, and the experiences that shaped his walk with Jesus. This is our (edited) conversation:

Our relationship massively changed for the better when you were in middle school. I began to understand that you were trying to be your own person. So, I quit fighting you and requiring as much from you. You really needed to make your own mistakes. And when I accepted that and quit trying to protect you from yourself, our relationship improved because I let the natural consequences of your actions play out. Can you talk a bit about that time in your life?

The world revolved around me and my best friend during middle school. We just went on adventures, threw caution to the wind, and didn't listen to authority very well. But we learned a lot of lessons on our own. There was a huge divide in our mother-son dynamic during that time.

You're going through a lot of changes during middle school. You want more freedom and independence, but you're at a point in your life where you can't get those things. I had a lot of pressure growing up, whether it was the rare direct from y'all or indirect pressure I put on myself. I was a pastor's kid, so there was a huge reputation to uphold as the oldest.

I often rebelled against following the rules, and then regretted it more sorely than anybody because I thought I needed to uphold a certain reputation with my family. So, the dichotomy of Middle School for me was pressure, leading to rebellion, intense guilt, and shame. It was a roller coaster of emotion because I was experiencing things for the first time.

I still had more fun in middle school than 99% of kids in America. But I didn't get in as much trouble because 80% of it was in the woods behind our house. So, the outdoors was a savior for me in those years.

We moved to Dallas during your senior year, and there was a lot of pressure on you in those years. But we were closer than ever as a family. You switched from being a ‘punk’ to the kindest son, and your character has not changed since. I remember dreading the move for our family because I thought things would change forever. I think so many parents are afraid that sending their kid to college is just the end. But that wasn't how it was for us.

It depends on what kind of kid you're sending to college. That move to Dallas before college gave me a new perspective. And almost every kid gets that, typically because of a hardship earlier in their life. For me, senior year was when I woke up and realized the value of you and our family. For a lot of kids, that shift in perspective happens in college, whether it's from loneliness or bad decisions that lead to guilt and shame.

Everybody has, at some point, that dark season that opens your eyes to how much you need your family. And it changes your perspective on how you interact with your family. My biggest thing was that I needed my family, and they needed me during our familial hardship. My whole perspective then changed to gratitude. It was a lot of responsibility too, but that gratitude was not regular. That was not something I had before when looking at my family.

Some parents might be wondering how they can help their kids be grateful. Would you say it's something that happened or that the Lord just had to do it?

There was no formula for that.

That was a combination of events where the Lord did something in my heart that helped me to see that. I do think a big part of it is connected to sheltering your kids and maturity. In my life experiences, I've been on both sides. I've been sheltered or super free.

The life experiences I had through that freedom matured me so much more than just following rules and helped me to see the world differently. I had experience with these things that y'all were telling me to stay away from. I had seen the detriment of friends who were making certain decisions. So, I felt like I grew up and started to get a better perspective when the rule book was closed. But it's a hard line to walk, and it’s different for everybody.

Some people might go off the rails if you close the rulebook too soon. While you were a punk, you weren't necessarily going off the rails in big ways.

To be fair, I didn't have to deal with the same media culture and temptations that people have in their hands until high school or college. So, that's a big factor too. Any sort of phone regulation and phone rule book should be exempt from your giving freedom.

You’re a big believer in limiting technology, which actually inspired your company. What would you say to parents struggling with that?

My short answer is to not be afraid of taking away technology from your kids. I'm currently reading ‘Outdoor Kids in the Inside World’ by Steve Rinella. Steve gives strategies on how to keep the phone or iPad away from your kids because it's not as simple as putting rules in place.

I found Steve’s book interesting because I’m in the business of trying to get kids off technology. As a parent, it takes more work and effort to do that. And so, you've got to build strategies. You have to be a host house where you can create experiences for other kids to be off their phones as well.

You weren't necessarily chasing after Jesus when you left for college. Let's talk about your move to A&M. You played football for SMU for a semester, hurt your back, and then decided to transfer to A&M. You got all the freedom in the world because we were not there. How did that feel?

The interesting thing was that I didn't really have a plan. I was in college and had a profitable business going on in the summers. So, I had some structure to my life. I was there to meet people, have a lot of fun, and then get done with college. I didn't have a plan beyond that. I really had a hard time with college because of that.

I didn't really maximize college because I was so ready to be done. A lot of that probably came from not having a great plan of what I wanted my college experience to look like. I just knew that A&M was the place for me, and I wanted to be around those people. I wanted to fish every weekend and stay in Texas. But having a plan would have been great.

I now encourage all my friends to actually become members of a church. That was something I didn't do. I showed up, but I was never a member. Until a year ago, I didn’t really know what being a member of a church or being involved in the church really was because I just showed up to church my whole life.

I honestly resented a lot of my life as a pastor’s kid growing up. And so, I ran away from a lot of Christian culture and had some rebellion from that. That was until this year. I began going to church because I liked the message. Now I know that 90% of church means being a part of the body, service, and community. That was something I didn't understand in college.

I thought I was only in college for a short time, so there was no point in committing. I didn’t even think I’d have time to invest in the church because I was out of town every other weekend. And so, going to college with a plan would have helped me to prioritize that. Church could have been the rock upon which other experiences were built.

Would you categorize that season of your life as complacent? How would you describe it?

No. I've analyzed that season of my life with a mentor. I’ve realized that it was a lot of running away and running right back to Jesus. I was wrestling with obedience all the time. I’d obey for a little bit, and then I’d disobey. That was basically my process in college.

A big part of that was that I was incredibly emotionally numb after some things that had happened in high school. I had no connection in my heart in college. So, it was just this measure up to be good enough for God, which I knew was wrong. I know that's not the gospel, but I was still guilt-ridden.

I’d get back to trying to live right, and the guilt would return again. It was this horrible mess of thinking I needed to be around better surroundings because of all these things that were worldly. My college experience was also different because of COVID. I had basically a year and a half that just disappeared. So, college felt very short.

Let's talk about transitioning into adulthood because you really have become a completely different person in the last few months. In fact, you are the complete opposite of complacent and apathetic. How did that come about? What changed in you as you stepped into real life?

What changed was a plan. I wanted a different result. So, I built a different plan. That plan was to be obedient. No matter how I was feeling, I was going to be obedient and say “yes” when God put stuff in front of me. I decided to let Him open the door for me.

Instead of trying to make friends, build this life, and make money, my priority was just to say “yes” to God.

That led to saying “yes” to a church event. I started my community group. Then a week later, I went through membership. Now I'm serving in ministry in that church. And it has changed everything for me because I realized that I didn't view church the right way before.

I don't think many college or high school kids view church the right way. All church is through those formative years is a learning place. It goes from Sunday school to getting a message on stage. And so, changing my view of the church has changed so much about how I live my life.

I'm not just at the church. I still have many other secular circles I'm super involved in. But that perspective has really connected me and God again because I was able to get help for some things I was struggling with. I was able to actually build a consistent community, which I only had through seasons in college because there was no structure.

Church membership and getting plugged in has really changed my walk with the Lord. So, I implore college kids to make that the foundation of their college plan. Ask yourself who your community will be in college. Figure out what kind of folks are going to the school. Then, figure out how you can find those people.

I had a really hard time making friends when I was at SMU because I didn't know where to find other believers. And so, having a plan for how I would have a community and what church I’d go to would have been the best starting place.

The middle school, high school, college, and post-college years are the transitions that make up a young person’s life. These are the moments when life begins to take shape. And so, I hope my conversation with Connor gives hope to parents whose kids are still in those early years because it's a process.

We don't talk enough about the hard and confusing parts of parenting. But those are the parts that truly have made my son who he is today. So, do not be disheartened if your child is still in those rebellious middle school years. He will find his way to you. And most importantly, he will find his way to Jesus.