Lonely
“By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
- John 13:35
Today we’re talking about loneliness. This is something I’m so passionate about - in fact, I’m writing a book on it right now. I believe that our DNA, the way God built and made us, is to be in deep, intimate relationships with people. Because we don’t understand how to do that the way God intended it, so many of us feel betrayed, hurt, rejected, and lonely. I want to talk about it relevant to this season. The book I’m writing and the topic of loneliness has been growing in my heart for years. I hear from so many of you that you want to have closer relationships, but you just don’t know how. But this pandemic separated us all from each other in a new way. I know this feeling well! I’m an extrovert with a lot of friends, but I can still feel lonely!
We have just come out of a season where one of our kids got COVID-19, so we were all locked down. We’re all fine and out of quarantine finally, but I just miss people! We couldn’t even have friends over in the yard, so it’s just been a really lonely two weeks. Finally we’re free and my kids can go back to school and I’m so excited, but then everybody is busy. I can’t even see my good friends! I just had a sinking feeling of loneliness this morning. I felt paralyzed and invisible and not sure where to even start. That is a really vulnerable, insecure moment. My heart is incredibly relational, and sometimes it can appear that my life is just overflowing with people I love, but I still have lonely, disconnected moments. I think all of us feel that way whether you have a ton of friends or not. It’s a common human experience!
Henri Nouwen is one of my favorite authors on this issue. He says this: “There is a twilight zone in our hearts that we ourselves can not see. Even when we know quite a lot about ourselves, our gifts, our weaknesses, our ambitions, our aspirations, our motives, and our drives, large parts of ourselves remain in the shadow of our consciousness. This is a very good thing. We will always remain partially hidden even to ourselves. Other people, especially those who love us, can often see our twilight zones better than we see ourselves. The way we are seen or understood by others is different from the way we see and understand ourselves. We will never fully know the significance of our presence in the lives of our friends. That’s a grace. A grace that calls us not only to humility, but to a deep trust in those who love us. It is in the twilight zones of our hearts where true friends are born.”
FEELING KNOWN, SEEN, LOVED, AND UNDERSTOOD
I think there is this ache in us to be fully known, fully seen, fully loved, and fully understood. Nobody but God can ever enter that! That’s the reality. But what friendship is supposed to do is to expose parts of ourselves we might not even know or understand. I hope all of you can think of times where you’ve been sitting with somebody you feel close to and love and uncovered something about yourself. You thought of something you’ve never thought of before until you were in that moment with that person talking about your hopes, dreams, frustrations, and doubts! Sometimes until we’re sitting there seen and known by someone else, we don’t even fully understand what it is we’re feeling ourselves.
I have friends that do this so well! They bother me and intrude into the recesses of my heart and make me talk about what’s really going on. I don’t like to always do that! I like to be happy and simple and not figure out what the deep, dark thing is that I’m feeling or thinking - even though I love to make you do it! It feels difficult personally. It’s hard to even find the right people to uncover that with and who will listen! There are parts of me I won’t ever know unless I have those people to pull it out of me.
FRIENDSHIP 101
Some of you are thinking to yourself, “I don’t have any friends and I don’t know how to make them.” I know this is Friendship 101, but if you want a good friend you have to be a good friend. Nobody is going to pursue you - quit waiting. That’s probably not because there is some massive issue with you. It’s just the reality of our day! Everybody is busy and nobody is prioritizing this. It takes stepping out and being intentional again and again and again. Some of you might be thinking, “I’ve done that for so long and nobody is reciprocating.” Let me just say this: that might be your role in people’s lives! So many people just don’t initiate and they think they can live without community! Be the initiator. Be the one that reaches out.
THE LONELINESS EPIDEMIC
Signa did a study last year on loneliness. 10,000 people of all ages from across the USA took a survey on how lonely they felt. 61% said they were lonely. I think it’s higher than that! I saw a little poll that Sadie Robertson did recently about anxiety, and I know her audience is largely younger, but over 90% said they were experiencing anxiety. Then she asked how many people were feeling lonely, and it was also over 90%. We’re looking at an epidemic of loneliness that the majority of people feel. As you initiate, lean into that loneliness! Realize you’re not the only person that feels alone. You are doing such a service of loving people in reaching out to them.
Our relationships, how we love each other, how we intentionally pursue each other shows people who God is. It is the demonstration of the Spirit of God moving in our lives in relationships. You see that when you see really great friends that are loving, thoughtful, and listening to each other. You want that! We all crave that. I saw this clearly when Sarah Henry, one of my very best friends in Austin, TX, had a massive stroke at 35 years old. She had been so intentional and pursued so many people. I remember her sitting on my bed when we first moved to Austin and I said this exact same thing to her - you have to pursue people! This won’t just happen on its own. She did! Sure enough, when she had her stroke, there were over 20 people in the waiting room that considered her one of their dearest friends. Even to this day, we’ve got that text stream still alive and well. It’s been 6 or 7 years since her stroke, but we still are the support system around Sarah. It’s because she was intentional! She asked us to dinner. She made fun plans and we all wanted to go. She just made things fun. She thought of adventures for us to go on and dreamed up things none of us really wanted to even do! But we went because we loved her and because she asked. She thought about what would make a memory. Those relationships have carried her through this horrible season of having a stroke. I remember right after she got out of rehab, she still couldn’t talk, and she was in a wheelchair, but she would text me and ask me to dinner. Those types of people are rare. We need to be those people! We need to be the people that pursue and see the value in friendship. We need to be known and we need to help other people feel known.
There is so much going on in the midst of this pandemic. This week we had some friends over and we pulled our backyard furniture into our front yard, they picked up tacos, and we sat outside for almost 4 hours. It just takes some mosquito spray and a few cheap chairs from Walmart - it doesn’t have to be complicated.
Q&A
How can I know so many people and still feel so lonely?
You have to push the conversation deeper. You can’t stop at catching up about your kids or your work or what’s happening in your life. You have to ask intentional questions. Here are some examples: “what is making you anxious right now and what is making you happy?” That was a whole different level of conversation! What was making them anxious was still probably about kids or work, but it was how they felt about it, not just what was going on. We have to get better at great conversations and asking real questions that cut to the heart.
How can I make great friends when it feels like a dead end sometimes?
So many of you feel rejection and disappointment in this - I get it! I have too! I’m writing about this right now, and the number of stories I thought about as examples of when I felt rejected or betrayed was honestly kind of embarrassing. But that’s life! I also have plenty of stories about healthy relationships and friends showing up for me and how I’ve loved people well. There are things in my life that I could have let define my ability to be a good friend, but if I would’ve done that, I would’ve missed every great friend I have now! Letting negative experiences define how you look at friendship steals away any chance at having great friendships. You have to keep going. I know that’s easier said than done, but I have lived it. It takes courage to open your heart to people, but you have to do it! But I get that it's hard. I just know it’s worth it.
What are some ways I can put myself out there during this time?
I would just say again, pursue. A lot of the things we’re typically busy with aren’t even happening. We gathered a group of friends we enjoy and don’t see super often to gather once a month and work through some curriculum together that I’m super excited about. I made that happen. I made the invite list, I brought people together, and I can’t wait. We need this! Take a minute and think about what you could pull people together around. Go to iftable.com and there is a plethora of recipes and conversation cards to gather your people around. That might be what you do once a month! My friend Brooke who runs IF:Gathering has done an IF:Table since she moved to Dallas, and they come together to process some really hard stuff. It started as an IF:Table and has grown into a diverse, deep community that she was really craving. You can go hang out with people socially and leave feeling completely invisible and lonely, so you have to be intentional about your conversations.
How can I make my limited interactions meaningful instead of shallow?
This is the key. I believe it is not just quantity, it is also quality. You have to build environments that spark deep conversation. In our backyard, we have a fire pit that is the best thing we’ve ever invested in. We sit around that thing all the time with family, friends, and our kids. We don’t even have to do dinner! We can just do s’mores, drinks, and catch up. That fire pit is everything. Find whatever that experience is in your home that’s easy to do with friends and neighbors. It’s something that’s simple and doesn’t require a big plan. Then be intentional with your conversations and ask good questions! My daughter Kate keeps a conversation book that she takes with her everywhere. Those intentional questions will change the depth of a dinner or a small group for you. You have to go to deeper places! That’s why you feel unknown. That’s why you can have a lot of people around you, but nobody really knows what you’re going through. Jump in and go first.
