How to Keep Jealousy from Ruining Relationships
One of the most unique things about being a Christian is supposed to be that we do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit. But in humility, we regard each other more important than ourselves. This is really grounded in what Paul lays out as the mind of Christ and how he lived. Paul reminds us that we're Christ's followers.
And so, we look at how Christ lived and do our best to live like Him. And man, did he live that out well! I mean, God came to earth, and rather than build the kingdom for Himself, He died for the people that would eventually kill him. And so, this backwards way of living is supposed to display Christ to the world.
Though He was in the form of God, he did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but he emptied himself by taking the form of a servant. Being born in likeness of men and being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. And this is what we're called to do. It’s how we're called to live, and it is backwards from the world.
Love is a completely foreign concept to the world. It's so different that God became man to show us the love of God, and that it would be so different than what everyone was expecting.
“Instead of showing his importance, Christ deferred His importance for our good.”
And so, when you think about friendship and the things you're aching for in a friend, and then you think about the ways that you're just longing to have people love you, you're longing, and we're built to be loved like this (like Jesus loved us). This is how you are built to be loved because God built you for His love. And His love is complete, and it's sacrificial.
How Jealousy Rears
its Ugly Head
Relationships breakdown when everyone is only thinking of themselves.
And it should because it's not how it was designed to be. And Paul desperately wanted this for the Philippians.
He knew that they could never be healthy or run hard together if they didn't love each other in this way. And two, he knew that the world would never see the love of God through them unless they got this right.
“The enemy to this love that mirrors Christ’s in our relationships is competition.”
Among our people, we are dividing and competing instead of cheering for each other and encouraging. This is where everything could shift in the way that the world sees how we love each other is if we would go from dividing and competing to celebrating and encouraging.
And this is what Paul did. It's not like he agreed with everything everyone else was doing. While he was quick to call things out when they were wrong, he was just as quick to express the love of God for those people. He was quick to remember that he is not fighting flesh and blood. Rather, he was fighting the enemy. He reminds us the we war against cosmic forces and principalities.
The most effective way for the enemy to stop the work of God on earth is to have us devour each other instead of celebrating each other and working together. Healthy friendships are not just for our own happiness. It's so that we can be effective for eternity. It's so that people will come to know Christ because of our love, that our love would speak so boldly and clearly of Jesus that it would be contagious; that it would cause other people to want to follow God.
People are craving friendship. And when friendship is done right, when friendship is healthy and not cutting down and not divisive, it's contagious. People will want to be part of it. Here is my encouragement to you today. If you are tired of feeling like you don't measure up, put your phone down. In fact, I would delete Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and Snapchat. Put your phone in a place where you cannot touch it for a few days. This is a chance for your soul to feel the pleasure and delight of God again, where there's a chance in space for you to retrain your mind. When you get tired of jealousy, don't look side to side for a little while.
Competition exists in all kinds of relationships, not just friendships.
It’s easy to disappear into your relationship or marriage because you haven’t figured out how to lean into what they need rather than what you want them to be. In so doing, we can force our spouse to be something they’re not. At times, we may get an inferiority complex or insecurity when our spouses are in places of leadership. And so, it’s important to find ways to cheer each other on.
What you can tend to do is want the other person to be what you need them to be, and figuring out how to lean into what that other person needs rather than what you need them to be. That is what we've had to learn over time and years. I think what's fun about our marriage is that we are such good friends.
We’re also prone to jealousy when our partners or friends are getting into positions we’ve dreamt of occupying just as we’re stepping off. This can be a very vulnerable time as you try to rediscover your place in the relationship.
Whenever you start feeling the insecurities,
start praying.
Just as Christ cherishes and nourishes the church, you must recognize the unique calling and opportunity that your spouse has been given. And one day you’ll stand before Jesus and give an account for how you stewarded your wife's gifts. This brings contentment in knowing that God’s call for your life (at that point) is to pastor your family.
When you realize the different callings you each have and find your roles in that, you get to that place where you’re secure in your identity within Christ. You become aware that your standing with Christ does not depend on your role, job, or financial status. You realize that you are still leading your family in a way that looks different than probably what you pictured going into marriage.
The world has this idea of competition in families. If somebody goes out the door and wins, everybody else is going to be resentful and bitter about that. When you feel like a family unit built on the love of Jesus, the success of one family member brings about joy to the entire household because they're an extension of the work of your family.
And so, a win for one person is a win for the entire family. As such, we celebrate everyone’s successes.
“This idea of individualism versus a family unit is not how we were made and it’s not how we work.”
If you’ve loved reading this, then you will absolutely love the ‘Find Your People’ study guide that has streaming video. It goes even deeper into the Scripture and the topics that Jennie talks about in the book. We always recommend starting with the book. You can get the book club kit here and go along that journey through the book. When you're done with the book club, you can do the Bible study. It’s a whole experience that you can do as group to help you build deep community in a really lonely world.
The ‘Find Your People’ Bible study is available now in all retailers.
