How to Have Life-Giving Conversations
Do you find yourself coming home from a girls night out or small group feeling discouraged or encouraged? I think a lot of the answer to how we have life-giving relationships lies in what it is we talk about, what it is we circle around. So often I will be in a group and it'll be fun and I'll leave and think I had a great time, but for some reason I'll go home and have this kind of sick feeling and I don't even know what it's about, but I just know that I leave a little more empty than when I showed up. Looking back, a lot of that is coming from what it is we focused on in conversation. In Philippians, Paul has some people that if they were my people would be driving me crazy. They're out in the world and they're preaching out of envy and rivalry.
Some indeed preach Christ from envy and rivalry, but others from good will. The latter do it out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel.The former proclaim Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely but thinking to afflict me in my imprisonment. What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice.
Yes, and I will rejoice…. Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel… Philippians 1:15-18, 27
When I looked at commentaries written about the book of Philippians, I discovered… these guys were glad that Paul was in prison! They're actually rejoicing at his suffering, they're preaching, and they're causing trouble. The way Paul handles it is such a picture of a life-giving relationships.
Despite what these people were doing, Paul does not focus on that. He's like, “yeah, here's a fact, this is happening. I know you know about it, so I'm gonna address it.” But then he goes and praises them and he was like, “hey, you know what? Who cares if God is being preached, whether in pretense or truth, I don't really care because Christ is being proclaimed and that's worth rejoicing at.” He shifts and changes their view of these people. He shifts and changes.
Gossip affects more than we think
I think so often we can tend to fixate on the negative in our lives and talk about other people. The truth is… If gossip didn't feel good, we wouldn't do it. But I think so often we end up so discouraged after our time with friends rather than the discipline of choosing to see the good in others. I was recently venting to my sister and sure enough I had pocket dialed one of this persons’ friends and they listened to the whole thing. I’ll never forget it! God had that happen because it was such a reminder that this is not okay EVER. When I am tempted to talk about other people behind their backs, I always picture them walking up behind us and and how they might feel if they heard my words. If you have friends that are constantly talking about other people with you, let me tell you a little secret… When you're not there, they're talking about you! This will never be reserved only to people that you all don't like. This will creep into the things you don't like about each other because on any given day you won't like each other and so you've got to build a culture with your friendship.
There is only one choice when it comes to gossip
Now you're thinking to yourself, how can I possibly shift that with my friends? They are constantly gossiping. How would I shift it? I believe you've got to sit down and build ground rules. The healthiest cultures, the healthiest friendships I've been in always have ground rules.
I think about Romans 8:6. There’s a road that leads to sin and death and a road that leads to life and peace. How do we stay on the road to life and peace? When it comes to gossip, there is only one road that leads to life and peace. This is one of our highest values at IF:Gathering that we would assume the best about each other and protect each other. It's one of the highest values in my family. When I'm listening to one of my kids speak ill of one of my other kids, I shut it down every time because I never want an unsafe culture in our home. If a culture feels unsafe, then you have no place to thrive, no place to share your issues, your weaknesses, your failures. You have no place to actually be broken.
So how do you do this? I mean, I'm just such a believer in awkward conversations. I think you have to have them. If you want good friends, you have to sit down and have an awkward conversation. So sit your friends down and say, “hey guys, we have been gossiping. We've got to stop. I don't feel safe with you. I don't think you all feel safe with me. Like let's hold each other accountable to this.” Now some of you are listening to this and you're in high school and you're thinking, if I do that, my friends are going to disown me. You know what? Better that than to feel like you don't have real friends then to feel like you don't have a safe place. So sit them down and say, “here's what we're going to do. We're going to assume the best about each other and we're never ever, ever going to speak ill of other people or of each other.”
It might be a little bit awkward for a little while, but it is worth it. It can be seen as naïveté. It can be seen as choosing to ignore truth and choosing to ignore the difficult things in life, but I've noticed it just brings about so much joy. If I focus on the negative, if I talk about the negative, then I will end up feeling and living in the negative.
To live is Christ
Paul knows about the suffering in the world. He has been put in prison for proclaiming the Gospel. He understands the complexity and has a sobriety about what is going on in the church. It's not like he's in any denial about it. He's having to live it out every day and yet still, he does not focus on these negative people doing negative things in Philippians 1. He actually praises them for what they're doing right, and he believes in God, in them. He believes that God is bigger and better than the destruction they're trying to bring.
This is what happens when we take our eyes off of God and put them on our relationships. No surprise, we're disappointed. I made this rule when I started public ministry… I will never tear down another person publicly, ever. Billy Graham had the same rule and I adopted it as my own. Who am I to say who is God's man? I don't want to be the judge of who has it right and wrong. I will still be discerning about what I read and people's statements and I'll wisely speak out for truth, but I'm not going to pick apart humans that might be on God's team, that might be on my team. I think we tend to divide and build our camps and everyone outside our camps is wrong. If we don't realize that we're picking apart people on our team, then we're going to take apart our team and our team is going to shrink and shrink and shrink and we need a big team to do the work that God's called us to do in this generation!
Paul goes on and he says, “to live is Christ”. You're going to see a glimpse into his ultimate motivation here in Philippians 1:21. “For me to live as Christ and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me.” Paul has a death sentence on his head so he doesn't know if he's going to ever walk out of this prison cell, but to live is Christ. He knows that if he continues to live, that his relationships, his writing, every single thing he does is as Christ which is self-denial, which is focused on the good of other people. That is his ultimate aim. If he dies? His gain. His view of his life is short. His view of his death isn't scary. That single thing, that single verse sums up why Paul is so impactful for the Gospel and why he can view relationships in such a healthy way. It's because his ultimate aim is Christ and the finish line of his life, it's not fixing all the problems and making his life comfortable for today.
A Simple Step to End Jealousy
I'm reading a lot of your questions about conflict, jealousy and rivalry. How do you not get jealous? I hate what jealousy does to friendship. When I feel it rise up, I literally counter it with everything in me to do the opposite. So if I am feeling like I'm looking over and I'm seeing someone get something I think I deserve, or if I see something that makes me jealous or I wish I had, I will immediately text them, praise them, celebrate them. And in doing so, it's a reminder to myself and physically postures me toward that person rather than away from them. I'm cheering for them. It feels so good to cheer for them that I hate the feeling of jealousy! I absolutely hate it. It steals friendship. It steals sisterhood.
I've got the simplest way for you to shift today. If you feel stuck in gossip, I want you to text a friend right now. Maybe it's a friend that you have been tempted to feel jealous of or to look down on for some reason. I want you to praise the heck out of them. I want you to just tell them what you appreciate. See the good and just that single act will start to shift the way you see everybody else too.
