Hard Things Build Strong Kids with Caroline Allen
Today you’re going to get to hear from my second daughter, Caroline. She’s 14 years old and specifically she's going to talk about what it looks like to trust God in the midst of a learning difference. All of us face different difficulties and we have to figure out how are we not going to let those things consume us and she does this so well. In fact, I've learned so much from her in regards to this, so you're going to love it. It's a great way to close up this season. I also know all of us find ourselves in a very unique situation right now in that we are homeschool moms. I hope this can give you some perspective into your kids’ lives. I hope it gives you encouragement that you're doing a great job no matter what struggles you're facing.
Very rarely can I pull this one into the public limelight. She is my private kid and her name is Caroline Allen and she is 14 years old, almost 15 and about to have a permit people. But what I want to talk about this time is about your mind and your resiliency, specifically to do with dyslexia, because that has been a big part of your story. That’s an lot of people’s stories too in some way or another, they feel like their mind is working against them. They have to work harder to make it, and whether that's mental illness or whether that's a learning difference, even just negative toxic thoughts that have consumed you for too long. All of us have been talking about what it feels like to push forward and to get into a different place where our minds are conformed to the image of Christ and that’s what I've seen you do. Why don’t we just start with your story and how it was before you knew about your dyslexia?
Okay, so I was diagnosed with dyslexia in the 5th grade. I was at a private Christian school that was really hard and didn't really know how to handle learning difficulties, because it was all new and they just didn't know how to handle it.
What did it feel like to be in those classes where you really were fighting every day and you didn't know what was wrong.
Yeah, that was especially hard. For example, whenever a teacher calls on me to read, my heart just stops and I'm just like, what do I do? I just freak out and get so much anxiety. I have a panic attack and I just do horrible. I just can't do it. In my head, I just thought I was stupid. I didn't think anything was wrong with me. I just thought that my brain didn't take in information like other kids did. Especially that all of these other kids didn't have any learning disabilities or any problems. I couldn’t get help, and it just felt like I was alone.
Let me describe my daughter to you. She’s incredibly joyful and fun, and she is very disciplined. I mean, you've never seen somebody work harder and be more disciplined with their school than Caroline. She's a perfectionist and wants everything to be as right as possible. I mean, this is my kid who was cleaning off her high chair, like as a baby, wiping off the crumbs. She just wants everything to be right in the world. So I think it was especially anxiety producing because of how God's made you, which is to love and delight over excellence and everything being right in the world for you. I think that probably has been a really difficult and made it extra hard for you.
Yeah, it's just even harder since I am a perfectionist and want everything to be right. I couldn't have that, which made it really hard for me to accept that I can't be perfect like everyone else. But that whole thing made me realize how much I needed God. At the time, t was so hard and empty and I just wasn't really realizing the whole picture. What he wanted me to realize was that this was just a part of my story. He made me differently and it felt like a test to see if I would depend on him or not. I had to realize the reason behind it and that this was going to shape me.
So go back to that time and think about the person that's listening. This could be any age person that's listening that feels like, why do I have this struggle? That really did draw you to God. I observed it. What did that feel like to you? What did you wrestle with him? Were you angry? Were you disappointed or did you feel like he just was helping you?
I’ve never been the person to have to have the facts to believe. I just believed and that’s what I stick with. I knew he was there, because I grew up in a Christian home with amazing parents that love God and always wanted that for me. But I think it was hard because everyone around me was expected to be a Christian at my school. I think it just made it hard for me to really connect with them because I feel like that never got brought up because we were expected to do that. So having something hard like that hit you in the face makes me totally see life in a different way and realize there's so much more that God wants to give me.
This is so helpful for you to share this because what we want to do is protect you from all the hurt. I will never forget when I found out that you had dyslexia, which didn't surprise me one bit, but we had tested you early on and they had said you didn't have it. So that was why it was so late before we got a diagnosis and at that point she was losing weight. She was so unhappy. You were having anxiety beyond anything I had known how to deal with as a parent and I mean all I wanted to do was rescue you. I wanted you not to feel this way anymore and yet I can't rescue you like unless I just break the law and don't have you do school. I couldn't completely rescue you. I think what God's taught me in this is to trust the difficulty that he brings into your kids' life. It is actually going to be the things that caused them to love me and that caused them to need me. That has been completely true of you from even a young age, Kate wrestled with her faith, and Connor's wrestled with his faith. I'm sure Cooper will. I wrestle with mine and I feel like when we talked to you about it, you have this steadfastness to you that's like, how could I ever doubt God when he has seen me through so much? You've said that exact thing. So do you think that your struggles have been part of what's given you such a strong faith?
Yeah, definitely. I think it was just a wake up call. I didn’t believe it when I was told I have dyslexia. I was so sure I didn’t have it. I didn't believe it for the longest time, but once I started actually accepting it's a thing, It made me really realize how amazing it is to be different and how much more I get from that. I could have been stuck and still been in that school where we just expect each other to be believers and not even talk about our faith and not really have a personal relationship with God. I could still be stuck there, but he chose to make me different and set my life on a different course and to be able to help people. I’m able to help my friends find God that don’t believe in God, and going to a public school there’s a lot of opportunity for that.
In that move to public school, you’ve been able to find so much help and accommodation, but it’s still really hard for you. It’s a fight everyday.
Yeah. No matter what, it's still going to be hard. I sort of accepted that, but you just have to push through. I've learned that the hard way. I study so much for this one test and I'm so beyond proud of myself. I came home, went straight into my room and did my homework for three hours. Then I take the test, and the next day I get my grade back and I failed. That is a horrible feeling that makes me sort of disappointed in myself. But I know that there's a reason behind it. Every grade I get, I think, “why does God have me going through this? “But I realize my life without school has made such a difference. My social life is a totally different story than my school life. The coolest thing is that I have parents that know I’m trying my best, and that’s all I can do. They don’t push me about my grades. They know middle-school doesn't really matter. Give your kid grace. High school is different because you’re getting ready for college. Sometimes mom even lets me stay at home, because she knows I need a day off.
I mean we've got an anxiety epidemic in our kids and whatever it takes for us to relieve that, to bring sanity and wellness to our kids' minds, we've got to fight for that. Caroline, do you remember I brought you home from fifth grade? Eventually I just couldn't watch it anymore and I decided to homeschool you. But we went to the movies. I really didn’t make you do school. You read some books maybe. It was just for a few months! She needed a break. We had a ball those months and we knew we would get back to sixth grade eventually. But the anxiety had gotten to be too much. I just want to encourage parents to do what you need to do for your kids. These schools do not own them. I just want you to love God, love people, love yourself, and everything else is just like, let’s survive. I’m so proud of you for your grit and your perseverance. I always tell you that you are stronger than any of us because you have had to work harder every day of your life for something than many of us have never, ever had to work for. I respect you so much. I think it is a testament to how God's made you that you have a work ethic that is so unbelievable. Nothing comes easy for you. What would you say to those kids that are listening that are fighting all different kinds of things? You are a constant source of counseling to your friends because of what you’ve been through. What do you say to them?
The biggest thing is to be understanding, because my friends can come to me with all this stuff that I don't agree with and I don't like the actions they're making, but the fact that they still come to me and they feel like they should tell me means the world. So I just get to be understanding and remind them that we all make mistakes. We understand that you're not perfect and God has a plan for this. Whatever it is. Just being understanding is the biggest thing that I've learned from the past.
What would you say to the parents that want to be a safe place for their kids but they don't know how to be?
Like I said, giving them grace is super big. Just don’t be too hard on them. Understand that they're going through something and try and see it from their perspective. Even though that's probably hard, but there are so many stupid things in our world right now that we have to go through and social media is one of them. Comparison is one of them. There are all kinds of things. It has taken over our worlds and our minds and it has to change somehow, and it probably starts in your home. Having a family that you can go to and trust and understand that you're not perfect. I can go to my parents and tell them my problems and my struggles and I expect them to give me grace and for them to help me through it. Even though it's hard to tell them.
You're not the most open of all my kids. It's harder for you to open up than it is probably every other kid in this house. I think a lot of parents have a kid that they don't know how to open up and I think you can help them. Why is it hard to open up?
Usually if it has to do with school, I sort of shut down in my head no one can help me. Even if I talk about it, no one can help me, so I might as well just deal with it alone. I think that's a lot of kids outlook is no one can help me. Why do I need to talk about it? Why do I need to share my problems and put it on someone else? Another thing I've learned and especially with my friends is you cannot carry that inside and you have to fight for them to tell you what's going on. Don't give up on them because it's going to be hard to get it out of them. But talking is the best way to fix problems and for them to be understanding towards each other. What I always tell my friends and what has kind of become my motto is, you don't know how to help until you talk about it. With my friends and the middle school drama, I don't know what they're feeling inside and I don't know how to help them if they don’t tell me. So what can I do about it? If you talk about it and you let each other know how you feel about the situation, you can both do something about it and make an action towards fixing that problem and making it better. Whether that's with parents or friends, you just have to fight for them no matter what.
How have you fought for your mind to be healthy and to believe the best of even about yourself?
The best thing I can tell you that I've ever discovered I needed was having a personal relationship with God. You might think it's just a few words and you don't really need to do it. You just need to go to church or small group and do what people expect of you. But I get the most out of just sitting in my room listening to music and reading the Bible. I feel like you just connect with God better and treat him as your friend, not just someone you look to for rules or checking off the boxes, because that's not how it should be. It's not a rules list. It's not something you have to do. It's something you want to do and you choose to do it because you want to learn more about him and you want to be with him.
