Don’t be Afraid to Look Inside with Dr Alison Cook
Looking within the deepest parts of ourselves can be a daunting task.
It can be even scary when we don’t know what we’ll uncover in the process. And so, we’re often afraid or hesitant to begin therapy. But this is how we heal the wounded parts of ourselves.
Despite doing a lot of counseling in my life, I still find it hard to do. A part of me is scared of what I'll find. I’m also scared that I won't know the right answer or what’s expected of me during the process. I learned from a very young age that there was peace when I got things right, and chaos ensued when I messed up.
During my conversation with Dr. Alison Cook, an amazing author and psychologist, I realized that my fear of getting things wrong stems from a first-grade memory. This was the first time I remember getting in trouble at school. Instead of support and a show of unconditional love, I was shamed for my slip-up.
Since that day, I’ve had a fear of getting things wrong.
But we need assurance that we will be loved even when we mess up. We need to know that the people we love won’t leave us when we get things wrong. During our chat, Dr Alison explored the importance of these memories in our lives and how they shape us. She says exploring the emotions associated with these painful experiences ensures that we don’t take them into adulthood.
These are some of the nuggets from our conversation:
This summer, I realized that there was the pressure of work and the work that God has called me to do. There is also the pressure to do it all perfectly. I know I'm probably not alone in that. That first-grade experience has stayed with me, but will it heal?
Dr. Alison: We learn these things. It's not coincidental that your core memory was in first grade. Often, these memories are formed when our brains are still developing. Because you were alone in that pain, your six-year-old brain did the thing it knew to do, which is to never mess up again.
So, you heal through a corrective experience where you share this story. You connect with people who share a similar experience. You connect in a safe space with people who know the pain you felt and acknowledge the beauty of that part of you. And then, you have more intimacy and authenticity.
You begin to relax because you know it’s okay to get things wrong.
You start to attract people who will reinforce that message. Those become your safe people who will love you, even when you mess up. You learn what you need from other people. So, you can surround yourself with more safety. Then, you start to heal and come out a little more.
Our inner critic is devastated when we don’t get things right and a little annoyed that no one tells us it’s okay to make a mistake. Those are parts of you, and they're all beautiful. When these parts of us are not unpacked, they just live in our nervous systems.
But you can map out these parts of you. So, when you're annoyed at a staff meeting because someone isn't coming in, you know there’s a name for that part of you. You realize that there was something to that feeling. And you know you don't need to feel shame about that. That’s how we begin to heal. We become more of the person God wants us to be instead of feeling shame.
We often like it better when we can categorize parts of ourselves into sin or obedience. What would you say to someone who feels like what they’re experiencing is messy and does not fit into those categories?
Dr. Alison: It is messy. Where we have some of these memories is where we're the most tender. It's also where we can be the most tempted to act out to miss the mark. So, if I’m not in touch with the angry part of me, I can act out of it in unhealthy ways that can harbor bitterness in my soul. But once I realize it, get curious about it, and bring it out into the light before God, I can steward it.
It takes a bit of work, but we have to pay attention to ourselves.
As Christians, we must learn to honor this relationship with ourselves, our wounds, and areas where we might miss the mark. Often, those are intimately linked. So, our wounds are critical to our health.
There may be people going through 1000 moments like that, and thinking about healing all those parts can feel overwhelming. Someone may even believe they’re just unthinkably broken. What would you say to them?
Dr. Alison:
First of all, you’re not unthinkably broken.
We have some parts of ourselves that we can benefit from getting to know. We don’t necessarily need to uncover everything, but we do need to uncover the rocks that are holding us back. If you've got big T trauma, you need to do this work with a trained professional. If you've got little resentments that keep coming up, you can do this work in confessional communities.
Beginning to notice allows us to show kindness, patience, and gentleness towards these parts of ourselves. And then we can move into our lives. This is the process of becoming more whole and self-led with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
Speak to the person who has big T trauma. What would you suggest they do to find a therapist or help? Could you also give takeaways for people with small groups to go a little deeper into this?
Dr. Alison: Don't open the door to your trauma alone. If it feels way too scary, get someone to do it with you. There are lots of ways to get a therapist. There are many affordable online options. There are also affordable Christian options online. You can go to the American Association of Christian Counselors website for resources.
If you're in a small group, try to have one night where you’re not trying to fix each other's problems. Set a timer and allow each person 15 minutes to share. And then, say what you heard from the other person’s story. Take 5 minutes to share where you may have felt what that person felt.
That way, the other person knows they’re not alone. You bear witness to each other, and there's so much healing in that. So, try to inhibit the fixing and the faith platitudes for a second and be with each other.
Dr Allison Cook is a psychologist whose specialty is integrating faith with psychology. This remarkable woman is also a podcast host and the author of two books. You can get a copy of ‘The Best of You’ by Dr Cook here. You can also visit her website for more resources.
