How to Weather Conflict & Keep Your Valuable Friends

When you live in deep relationships, you’re going to hit a point where you have conflict.

Let’s talk about how to weather conflict and keep your valuable friends.

When you live this way, you're going to hit a point where you have conflict. That person might make you absolutely annoyed, crazy, or they might hurt you. There could be a disconnection in your friendship and you don't know why or how to fix it.

Once you find your people, the enemy is going to come against your relationships. We’re communal people, and we're made in the image of a communal God. And there's nothing that the enemy hates more than our healthy relationships.

Communal relationships are the greatest mission we have.

Healthy relationships build a compelling argument for the gospel, and there’s nothing the enemy hates more.

This matters. We should be aware that we have an enemy is going to come for our relationships. Ephesians 6:12 tells us that we're not warring against flesh and blood, but we’re warring against principalities and dark cosmic forces.

When we realize that our relationships are under attack by the enemy, we can understand that the other person isn’t our enemy. This is powerful. God can use our healthy realtionships to fuel the gospel and to show elements of himself to the world.

Healthy relationships are not free of conflict

If you follow me on Instagram, you’ll see me post, to a point that some people might find annoying, a lot about my family, marriage, kids, and our relationship being really strong. I do this because I want people to see the healthy relationships are possible. I'm not trying to brag, but I’m trying to put a new picture in the world that people don't often see. For example, the husband and wife that don't hold each other back, but propel each other forward.

We love and celebrate each other's gifts. We don’t act out of our fears in our relationship, but instead we're actually acting out of our health and our love for each other and for God. We’re not perfect, but I celebrate that we really like each other and we enjoy being together. We have a really strong, full relationship. 

Most of the world is displaying the brokenness of relationships everywhere we go. When we watch television or movies, we don't usually see healthy and thriving relationships. Instead we see bitterness, pain, and rejection on display.

It's possible to have healthy relationships in the world.

And this doesn’t mean that healthy relationships are free of conflict. In fact, I believe that conflict deepens relationships. The more conflict you work out in a friendship, the more you can trust that friend and believe that they're going to be there for a long time. Therefore, we don't need to fear conflict or run from it. Instead, we can lean into conflict and work through it. We can be people who aren’t afraid to stay.

The goal is longevity. The goal is that that you would have relationships that you invest in and keep for 5, 10, 15, or more years.

I love the brownie Girl Scout song, “make new friends and keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold.” Continue pursuing your relationships, especially after you go through conflict.

There are several reasons why a friendship may end. In fact, sometimes a friendship may get to a point where it’s not healthy anymore and you need to pull away. If this happens, be honest about that, and tell that friend why.

Often, we aren't direct enough. We don't say what has hurt us or why the friendship is no longer working. We just ghost people and pull away. At least allow them to see how they have been hurtful or how this is no longer a helpful friendship. Maybe they could learn and grow from it. It's kind to do it that way. 

4 things to think about before you pursue conflict

We don't want to bring every single issue to our friends that have hurt us. We shouldn’t be easily offended. We've got to be people that can let things go. Therefore, here are a few things to consider when it comes to healthy conflict. 

#1 Assume the best

Rather than imagining that you friend might have purposely left you or assuming that they have something against you, just pause and trust that if they were offended or frustrated with you, they’d bring it to you.

Don’t make something a big deal if it's not a big deal. 

#2 Keep short accounts

If something is really bothering you and you can't let it go, then bring it to that person and say, “have I done something that's hurt you?” or, “I've noticed you feel a little more distant lately. I just want to make sure you've just been busy, and that there's nothing wrong between us.”

Sometimes a quick conversation can put your mind at ease or it can reveal something that you need to work out. Not everyone is going to be brave or convicted enough to bring it to you, and sometimes it helps to check in and say, “hey, are we doing okay?”

#3 Be quick to apologize

Use the words, “I’m sorry” and, “how can I make this right?” Take responsibility when someone reaches out to you, because they were brave to do so.

Sometimes I'll say, “this is what I hear you saying, is that right? Is that how you feel?” and, “I'm so sorry, will you please forgive me?” Even if I didn’t mean to hurt them, I’ll own my part. Then I ask, “is there anything else I can do to make this right?” There might be something practical you can do. Aim to be a peacemaker. 

Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Let this be your goal as much as it depends on you. You can't always control it. Sometimes you’ll do everything in your power to make something right, but they still don't want to make it right. They have no aim to be at peace with you. In this case, you can say, “I did what I could.”

Paul, the writer of Romans, even left room for there to be situations where we can't reconcile.

#4 Give it some time

After you've had conflict, assuming they want to reconcile, clock time with that friend. Sometimes it takes a few chances of being together until it feels normal and right again. Stick with it. Don't run. 

Ashley and Lindsay, two of my best friends that are mentioned several times throughout the book, got in a fight after the book was done. They were about to walk away from the friendship. But, they stuck with it and reconciled. It took a few weeks of being together until they got used to each other again. And that’s okay.

I've done the same thing with relationships in my life, too. Sometimes there's real hurt, and hurt doesn't just go away overnight. 

However, you can say, “I don't want to lose you.” Don’t give up easily on those friendships that can weather conflict. Don’t give up on the friends that have been trustworthy in the past. 

Remember, the enemy is seeking to kill, steal and destroy everything good and that looks like God in our lives (John 10:10). Let’s not give in easily. Let's spend the time together.

Lastly, just know you will likely have conflict again. But the next time you'll weather it better because you'll be better at it.

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