Being Proactive with Your Mental Health
We’re living in a world where everyone is either in the middle of a dark season, on the other side of it, or headed into it. So, we chose our theme for Season 12 of the podcast because we realize that you may be in the middle of your own dark season. We wanted you to know that you're not alone in it.
Some seasons can be completely out of our control. This is where you lean into God and your people. Chloe Hamaker’s healing journey is testimony to what it takes to lean in and do health amazingly. Chloe is my dear friend and has been a huge part of this Made for This team from day 1. On her first ‘official’ time in front of the camera, she tells us all about what it took to get out of a dark season.
In her own words, this is Chloe’s story:
2022 has been one of the most painful years of my life. There’s no bow at the end of it, but this was the first time God gave me the mercy to use all the tools I had been storing up. I had a major panic attack while celebrating my birthday last December. That day catapulted a rapid downward spiral in my health.
I knew I didn’t feel well, but I didn't fully know why. Before that moment, nothing in my life seemed out of place. I had great friends, an amazing church and community, and work was great.
It felt like my body was sabotaging me, so I went to see my regular doctor the following morning.
Growing pains
For the first time, I realized that I hadn't felt like myself for a long time. I felt like a shell of who I thought I was supposed to be. I immediately wanted to fix it, but medication initially made everything worse.
For almost two weeks, I laid in bed, unable to eat, and uncontrollably weeping. I got to “the end of myself” for the first time in my life. The way I had been functioning up to that point stopped working that day.
I had the tools to cope, but I didn't know how to use them. Finding your people is crucial for such moments, just as it is for celebrations. My friend Courtney would show up with soup and feed me. Courtney has been there through many celebrations and other hardships, but she was Jesus to me in that place. She didn't have any suggestions for me, she just fed me. It was as simple as that.
I wasn’t going through all of this in isolation. I have an amazing husband and three boys. Jennie and Zac were a steady presence for James and me at that moment. Jennie is one of my most precious friends, and she has become even more precious to me this past year.
For a long time, the temptation for me was to just hole up. It's one thing to have a spell that soon gets better. This time, it was long and sustained. For me, it got worse before it got better.
By God's grace, I got an immediate appointment with a psychiatrist and had to quit working for a month.
Dismantling preconceptions through guided help
I didn’t feel ashamed of my dark moments. The relief of overcoming that pain was much more than what I could be embarrassed by.
It wasn’t just one thing leading to the decline of my health. It stemmed from childhood trauma, the way I wrapped my identity in my work, and several other things. If I had tried to attack them all at once, quickly, or without a guide, I would have sunk.
Before that moment, I found my value in being needed by those I love. And yet, I couldn’t even get up to do what my boys needed.
Being in a place where my emotional, physical, and spiritual contribution was zero hit a deep place that went beyond identity. All those things got taken away. Yet, I was still loved, and God was still with me.
I felt relief knowing that I could live life not feeling like I was only valuable when I was needed.
As I started to heal my nervous system, I realized that I had been running hard and fast for a long time. This system in our body that God has made can endure fast paces but also needs to come off the adrenaline. I worked with an amazing counselor who helped me understand the importance of resetting my nervous system. I realized that I could run my system hard, but it needs to come down. From there, I started paying attention to myself.
The light at the end of the tunnel
Now I'm super aware of things that drain my nervous system. I didn’t see my dark season coming because I was doing all the “right things”. I had all the things that are supposed to keep you from having moments like this. I would even consider myself introspective, open, and vulnerable, and I was still there.
I realized that I didn’t really know how to live my life anymore. With help, and with God's voice guiding me, I learned to be gentle on my body. I would listen to the Lectio app before bed to calm my nervous system and hear God's voice. I’d do the same thing when I woke up.
I understood God's Word being bread for the first time, because I had to. I would see a counselor once a week while also seeing my psychologist once a week. It was grueling, and I was almost more exhausted by that than the actual situation.
I knew it was going to get better, somehow. However, I didn't know how better it would get. Even then, I had placed a lot of categories on how I thought it would work out. I thought I’d feel better and stop taking medicine after six months. I convinced myself that I'd have a new rhythm in my life. Instead, it was a total reconfiguring of how I see myself.
Embracing my inner child to rediscover my grownup self
With my counselor and psychiatrist as trusted guides, I did a lot of work on who I am. I started figuring out the kind of stuff I enjoyed as a child and embracing those.
I had many things constructed around what I thought I was supposed to be, how I was supposed to look, and how I was supposed to engage with my loved ones.
I’d wear that weird t-shirt I liked as a child, skip those three extra hours of work at the end of the day, and ignore those texts. And nothing burned down. I got to enjoy more time with my family. I got to pick roses in the garden. Every time I did things that fill me up and calm my nervous system, everything was okay.
What my “imperfection” looks like
I’m still dealing. The physical healing from a very busted-up nervous system takes a long time. But the spiritual change, cleansing, and restructuring far outweigh anything I thought would get better. And that is life-changing. I don't think I'll ever be the same.
I live in a broken body that’ll need help again, and possibly for the rest of my life.
The tools God gives us are there for our wholeness in the Holy Spirit. I didn’t see those in my dark season. But now I can wake up and ask, “Lord, what do you want me to do today?” I listen, and it’s incredible to hear God's voice so clearly.
I’ve started to work less on being perfect, and more on taking things easy. At first, it felt very unnatural because I had conditioned myself to be that hard on my body. I then realized that I was not letting God be the big God that He is. I truly could leave any challenge with Him, because I know I can. I'd wake up the following day and try again. It’s been almost a year, and this is way more fun. Somehow, I may be getting more things done.
You can have all the things that culture says you need to be valuable, but none of this will make your heart stop aching. We're never meant to fill that with our work, roles, efficiency, or other things. God is enough.
I know many of you are enduring unspeakable pain and hardship that doesn’t go away every day, and that's why we do this. We just want you to have the courage to do today, and then God will give you mercy and courage for tomorrow, and the days that follow.
We themed this season “are you okay?” because that's what we’d ask if you were sitting with us. I hope you can find something beautiful in your life or in the way God uses His people and His voice to speak to the hard things. I hope this helps you know yourself, Scripture, and God better. As you do that, healing and wholeness will come.
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